Kids - Christian Humor

Minister

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

Big Bucks

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Floods

This old man lived near the Ohio River, and in the recent floods, he was washed away and his friends and family feared that he'd drowned. Miraculously, though, a state trooper pulled him out and his life was saved.

The old man lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they were bored to tears.

Finally the old man died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, "Welcome to Heaven! We'd like you to be eternally happy, so if there's anything you'd like to do, anything at all, just tell me and we'll fix it up for you."

"Thanks," said the old man. "I'd sure like to tell a bunch of folks about how I survived the Ohio River floods."

"No problem," said St. Peter. "I'll make the arrangements and get back to you."

A few days later, St. Peter contacted the old man and took him to the lecture hall where he was to give his talk. They both waited backstage while the audience got settled, and the man was pleased to see that it was rather a large crowd.

Then St. Peter grabbed the old man's arm. "Now, I don't want to make you nervous, but I've just spotted Noah in the crowd."

Atheist

A young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.

Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm Jewish."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Jewish.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."

Christian Jokes

New Moses

The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband thinks he's the new Moses."

The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were only a passing fancy.

"Okay," she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him from parting the waters in the hot tub

Star of David

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.

People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.

Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled, and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says, "Young man. Don't you realize that this is Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

Hail

The local church had hired a new choir director for the church choir. The church was undergoing some roof repairs, and as a result of the incomplete roofing, the church roof was uncovered with just the tin foundation.

Meanwhile, the poor choir director was struggling with the worse choral voices this side of the Mississippi. On Sunday morning, during the choir director's debut, the choir was sounding like sour grapes. All of a sudden, a fierce hail storm broke out, just as the choir was singing its last "amen".

With that, the minister stood up and look toward the roof top and said "It sounds like hail!"

The indignant Choir Director got up and cried out, "Won't you give me a break?! I'm doing the best that I can with these terrible voices!"

Secret Sins

Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room. The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."

The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just love to drink. When I go out of town, I like to take a little nip of something."

The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and I can't wait to get out of this room!"

Shall we Gather at the River

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

Good Habits of Good Communicators

1) The Facilitator:

Makes it easy for people to do their jobs. Uses key log technique to solve problems.

(2) The Enabler:

Teaches people how and why, not just what. Keeps interference to a minimum.

(3) The Empowerer:

	Generates enthusiasm. Helps people discover better ways.
(4)	The Guide:
	Sets a good example. Leads people to peak performance.
(5)	The Encourager:
	Helps people believe in themselves. Lifts people when they feel down, but without assuming responsibility for their problems.
(6)	The Complimenter:
	Tries to catch people doing something right. Gives compliments in public; criticizes only in private.
(7)	The Peacemaker:
	Works constructively to settle disputes. Serves as an advocate to both management and workers.
(8)	The Communicator:
	Listens responsively. Keeps constant dialog going.
(9)	The Challenger:
	Shows people their potential, without highlighting their failures. Rewards people for their progress.
(10)	The Evaluator:
	Makes clear what is expected. Inspects results. Let's people know exactly where they stand. Source: http://www.nidoqubein.com/articledisplay.cfm?aid=19

An insider's view of Taj hotel's 6th floor

The New York Harlem Singers

For more details... http://www.symphonyofvoices.com/

Working Replica of Noah's Ark Opens In SCHAGEN, Netherlands

The massive central door in the side of Noah's Ark was thrown open Saturday for the first crowd of curious Pilgrims and townsfolk to behold the wonder.

Of course, it's only a replica of the biblical Ark , built by Dutch
Creationist Johan Huibers as a testament to his faith in the literal truth of the Bible.

The ark is 150 cubits long, 30 cubits high and 20 cubits wide. That's two-thirds the length of a football field and as high as a three-story house.
Life-size models of giraffes, elephants, lions, crocodiles, zebras, bison and other animals greet visitors as they arrive in the main hold.
A contractor by trade, Huibers built the ark of cedar and pine -
Biblical Scholars debate exactly what the wood used by Noah would have been.
Huibers did the work mostly with his own hands, using modern tools and with occasional help from his son Roy. Construction began in May 2005.
On the uncovered top deck - not quite ready in time for the opening
- will come a petting zoo, with baby lambs and chickens, and goats, and one camel.
Visitors on the first day were stunned.
'It's past comprehension, ' said Mary Louise Starosciak, who happened to be bicycling by with her husband while on vacation when they saw The ark looming over the local landscape.
'I knew the story of Noah, but I had no idea the boat would have been so big.'
There is enough space near the keel for a 50-seat film theater where kids can watch a video that tells the story of Noah and his ark.

Huibers said he hopes the project will renew interest in Christianity in
the Netherlands , where church going has fallen dramatically in the past 50 years.
''If You Need Help, Ask God. If You Don't, Thank God''...
'Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.' Psalm 23:6
When there is nothing left but God, that is when you
find out that God is all you need. Live today to the
fullest because tomorrow is not promised.
Now that I am old and
gray...give me the time to tell
this new generation
(and their children too)
about all your mighty miracles.
Psalm 71:18

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching.

Through the eyes of a child:
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.
The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.

He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament.

Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.